"Dear April, 

I never thought that I would challenge a woman or enter a ring with one. But your appalling fight with Oliver (Gallery 915) has changed my mind. It has upset the natural order of things. A woman defeating a man is not part of that natural order. 

Further, the degrading, humiliating way you celebrated your victory needs avenging. So April, I know you’ll be reading this, I challenge you to join me in the ring to avenge the insult you inflicted on my friend, Oliver. You made him suck your feet at the end – no prizes for guessing what I’ll make you suck, eh lads?

Rex."

That challenge to April from Rex appeared in the "Fighter" magazine, popular among the less respectable underground bare knuckle fighting fraternity, but read by formal boxers, wrestlers and martial artists as well. It created a buzz of excitement, because mixed fights were rare and considered taboo. To have one following on so soon from the previous one was unprecedented, and April’s reply was eagerly anticipated. It appeared in the next edition:

"Dear Rex, 

I would be delighted to accept your challenge. You deserve a good beating, if only for using such a pompous phrase as ‘the natural order of things’. 

It’s difficult to be both pompous and boorish, but you managed it in your challenge. (Was it ghost written, by the way, because normally you struggle to pronounce any word that is longer than four letters and doesn’t begin with F?)

Where you were boorish was in your unsubtle implication of what you would do to me after your imagined victory. Well, I reserve for you the punishment I used to mete out to naughty boys at school, and still occasionally use on men I despise. Look forward to it, won’t you?

April."

April’s superior tone earned her the nickname of "Lady April" from Rex and his supporters. She liked the name and adopted it, believing it to be good publicity. Meanwhile, the ring was booked and the event quickly sold out, with her being billed as "Lady April" for the first time. 

She entered the ring calmly as always, and faced Rex, who was showing off to his supporters. Silence fell, and the fighters met in the middle. For a narrative of the fight, we have an interview April gave with a retired lady fighter, Madeleine, as they looked at footage of it. Madeleine, as the interviewer, started the session off:

"I want to say, first, that you looked great for the event."

"Thank you. I chose the outfit with the character ‘Lady April’ in mind, black-and-white for contrasts, and something that folded itself nicely over the bust, just to disconcert him."

"It never fails! That and a generous view of a sexy, womanly arse! Did you have a plan for your fight?"

"Yes. I chose to start tentatively – that half-hearted kick – and tempt him into an over-reaction. In fact, I modelled my style on your fight with Scott, which I studied."

"Oh, you say the nicest things! But that was 30 years ago!"

"It might be, but it set the standard for all women fighters on how to defeat a man."

"Thank you. Actually, the footage of that fight has been given a makeover – all new 3D pictures. Anyway, that’s enough of me plugging myself, the ploy paid off beautifully. Rex thought he was onto an easy thing, fired a wild left, which you dodged. He put too much into the attempted punch, so while he was still following through, you got him nicely on the jaw with your left elbow from behind."

"Yes, it stunned him momentarily, so I was able to land a hefty left cross on his chin."

"Let’s have a look at that punch a moment. Oh yes, beautiful!"

"Thank you."

"So sexy. Lovely long blonde hair waving as you crack him on the chin!"

"Yeah, it felt good."

"Not for him! So now you’ve infuriated him and he takes another wayward swipe at you, which you duck under quite snugly, before banging a neat right into his stomach. But then you were brutal. Even I winced when I saw it. He’s stooping after you dig him in the guts, so – bang! – up comes your right knee to his mouth. You drew blood, you naughty girl!"

"Did I?"

"Now, don’t play the innocent with me. But I can sense you’re keen to up the pace of the fight, when you drum a right in at his jaw next."

"I was, yes. I felt it was going my way, and I wanted to exploit that."

"I think he felt it too. There seems to be a bit of panic about him when he flashes with his right. You were ready for it, weren’t you?"

"Oh yes, I could see it coming. So I ducked again, warded it off with my forearm, and hit him low in the stomach with my left."

"These pictures show it vividly. His punch is erratic, there’s a ring of blood around his mouth, and we see you, crouching slightly, and ploughing your fist into his stomach, just below the belly button. A couple of pictures show off your lovely bosom outline, by the way. For any boob man listening to this interview, I recommend this gallery for you! Anyway, he tries again, with an equally wayward right, and what follows is textbook takedown. I love the pictures of you smiling into his eyes when he’s in the air, moments before you crash him down onto his back!" 

"Yeah, that was fun! I got him just how I wanted him. I placed him in a headlock, linking my arms so he couldn’t go anywhere, with an armbar through my thighs."

"Did he enjoy having his face cradled against your boobs?"

"No, but I hope he would have done at any other time!"

"He didn’t like the Boston crab to follow, did he?"

"Oh, that was so funny! He was like a child throwing a tantrum, hammering the mat with his fists and howling!"

"I was sitting with his fans by coincidence, and several of them walked out at that moment. The rest were shaking their heads or not even watching. I loved the way you used the crab to get him upside down, with his shoulders on the mat. That’s when you had his shorts off him. Tut, tut, nice girls don’t do that."

"No, but bad girls do!"

"And this particular bad girl put him in a curious sort of double leg lock. Let’s have a look. Yes, his right leg is bent up his body, with the crook of his knee against his ear, while you have his left leg at 45 degrees from his body, bending back from the knee down. Yes, it’s an odd hold – it worked though, judging by the sounds he made.

"But then, you couldn’t leave his balls alone, could you? We all do it. You’ve got the man where you want him, you’ve done the work, so you have a little fun at the expense of his balls. Faint-hearted men, be careful with these next pictures! If you don’t mind seeing a man held up by his ankles, with his upper body spread eagled on the mat, while a gorgeous blonde slams her boot down on his balls, fine. But if such images would upset you, look no further. 

"I winced again when you let him drop and further kicked his balls from behind. I recall he was silent when you did it, but you can see him here with his mouth open in a sort of silent howl. But then suddenly you seemed to think he’d spent long enough on the mat."

"That’s right, I even whispered to him that he couldn’t lie about all day, because I had work to do."

"Love it! So you dragged him up to his feet by his hair, manhandled him to a corner, and high kicked him partly through the ropes."

"Yes, I got him on the chin and watched his head disappear underneath the top rope."

"I’m not saying you’re predictable, but I had seen enough of your fights to know what was coming when you hauled him halfway along the ropes with your right fist clenched."

"Yes, bit of a giveaway, wasn’t it?"

"It was a joy to watch though, your trademark right uppercut, curving in slightly. Even Rex’s fans (those that hadn’t left) sat with their eyes bulging, as your womanly derriere wobbled slightly with the impact of your fist on his jaw. My word, you can punch, my girl!"

"Thank you."

"I loved the way you then showed your disgust with his attempted right hook by slamming his chest with a hard left underneath his swinging arm. It made a funny hollow sound. Then, having caused an injury, you got him in the same place with your right. It’s the old maxim: create a weakness, then exploit it." 

"Absolutely. I decided to soften him up with body shots for the time being. That’s how you wear them down."

"Of course. So we see you deflecting an attempted right cross with your right arm, while thrusting your left fist into his kidney. But something I like about watching you fight is your lightning improvisation. So when Rex bowed his head with your kidney strike, you seemed to say, ‘Thanks very much’, headlocked him and rammed your knee up, punishing his chest a THIRD time."

"Yes, he did rather give me a gift by stooping just then."

"You certainly worked his body over at this stage. In goes your right to his kidney, then your left roars into the same place – his other kidney – you only recently hit. God, that must have hurt! Actually you can see it, the way his head goes back, and he seems to look up to heaven, no doubt asking God to help him.

"So, having softened him up with the body attacks, you then go for the more dramatic head shots. First off is a nice pulled uppercut, under the chin, dislodging him from a left cross. The only thing he might have got with it was a passing fly. 

"Hmm, you know, looking at these next pictures, I think there’s a bit of street fighter about you."

"I had a rather wild girlhood, yes."

"That’s good, it comes in very handy in the ring. Just look at the face he pulls as you get him on the cheekbone with a left cross! Did you ever see such an ugly face? It’s a lovely punch too, bang on the money, as usual with you. Older men may need to avoid looking at these pictures as well – those close-ups showing your fabulous arse in the foreground with your fist on his face in the background, might not be the best thing for high blood pressure. He hasn’t been able to move off the ropes, has he?"

"No, I had him stuck nicely against them. It seemed to me that he was trying to crouch and sidestep away from them at this stage, so I got him with a downward right cross to the jaw. When he stood back to normal height, I karate chopped his throat."

"Ouch! But I treasure these next pictures. Two black eyes in a row! Was that deliberate, or did it just happen?"

"It just happened. Let’s have a look. Yes, I swung a right hook into his left eye, noticed it swell and discolour, so I thought on the spur of the moment, what fun it would be to get him in the other eye next."

"With a left cross on the up. What a humiliation for a man! This fight was a week ago now, and I’m told Rex still hasn’t been seen out of the house. He sends someone out when he needs any shopping. For a man to have a black eye – even two – given him by another man can be seen as a badge of honour. But from a woman? That’s a disgrace he’ll probably never live down. Serves him right.

"And then you pulled off a right cross that was straight out of the top drawer. Everything about it was perfect - poise, balance, footwork - so that every ounce of weight was behind your knuckles as they met his chin. Once again fellas, her arse and tits look great in this cluster of pictures. But then at last you let him off the ropes, if only for one step."

"That’s right, he was flagging by this time, so I tempted him to have a go at me. He tried another of those bendy hooks of his; I leant out of the way and got him on the cheekbone with a left."

"Which put him straight back on the ropes. Then you got him on the same cheekbone with your right, before it was open season on his balls again. I love the way you hopped on your right leg, a bit like a dancer, then sprang your left boot into his balls."

"Thank you. As I say, he had been flagging, and I knew I had him now. After that kick to the balls, he sank down in despair."

"Where you played a bit of good old cat and mouse, threatening him with your right fist, before letting him have it, eye and forehead, direct from above. After that, it was party time! It knocked him out, and what did Lady April do then?"

"She hooked his legs over the middle rope, got hold of his defeat boner and teased him until he regained consciousness. He went ‘Ahhhhhh’ with pleasure first off, then ‘Aggggghhhhh!’ with horror when he realised I was aiming his cock to come at his face. You should have seen him gritting his teeth, trying not to come while I went to town with my hand. But the woman will always win, and he got it all over his face!"

"I loved the way you left him hanging there when you went to the middle to celebrate your victory. Well, Lady April, it’s been a pleasure interviewing you."

"And it’s been an honour to be talking to ‘Mighty Maddie’ who made history when she beat up Scott."

"Oh don’t, you’re making me blush!"